hi julie,
i am a fren of ric. my name is james. i know ric's story. and i know nicholas as well.
heard that ric's is not goin for op. i am very very sad. and i can imagine how hard u and ric's father feel. i am really sorry.
ric will talk to me whenever he felt sad lately. i dun know his family, and i dun know his circle of frens. i am here just to let u know how is ric's feeling.
he miss u.. so much. he miss home so much. but, he has nowhere to return to. because he did not know where u are. he would pray just to hear your voice when he is in pain.
please do not think that nicholas is the one who can give him comfort, security and love. and please do not think that nicholas would be the one he would like to spend the remaining time with.
he always tell me that his family loves him so much and he might not be able to return their love.
he loves u... more than anything.
i am not going to give up on him!
i will not cry anymore
i will pray
and be there if he needs me
sorry to bother u
and thanks for everything
pls take good care of yourself
may god's blessing always be with u and eric.
stranger,
james
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
再见了...陈伟华
已经有一段时间了，自己还在吗？我还生活在这个空间里吗？我还属于这里吗？
我不敢在部落格里留下这段日子的记忆和心情，我不想回忆我们在一起快乐的日子，不想回忆他离开我的日子，不想呼吸那没有氧气的空气，我想抹掉一切和他的回忆。
还在犹豫他有苦衷吗？
如果真正爱一个人，不管天崩地裂，海枯石烂，都不会舍弃你。这... 是爱
我曾经爱他,不管天崩地裂,海枯石烂,都不会离开他.
他... 并不爱我, 可能只是喜欢.
看了他的部落各,故事多么的动人,为的是什么?让大家了解他有苦衷?
在这段故事发生的时候,有一个人,一个不值得一提的小角色,在这段感天动地的爱情故事里,默默地在他生命里的某个角落,为他耕耘,为他担心,为他付出.这个小角色对他的爱,并不凄美, 并不感人.那就... 抹杀吧?!
"爱你到我剩下最后一口气" 是我对你真正的承诺,但这句话却常挂在你嘴边,而我却从来没说出口.
他... 一定会回到我身边
但他并不知道,一切都太迟了, 不管有什么惊世的苦衷,一切都因为他的任性,回不了过去.
我很想和他白头偕老,但,就只能等下辈子,在和他成为夫妻.
再见了...陈伟华
我不敢在部落格里留下这段日子的记忆和心情，我不想回忆我们在一起快乐的日子，不想回忆他离开我的日子，不想呼吸那没有氧气的空气，我想抹掉一切和他的回忆。
还在犹豫他有苦衷吗？
如果真正爱一个人，不管天崩地裂，海枯石烂，都不会舍弃你。这... 是爱
我曾经爱他,不管天崩地裂,海枯石烂,都不会离开他.
他... 并不爱我, 可能只是喜欢.
看了他的部落各,故事多么的动人,为的是什么?让大家了解他有苦衷?
在这段故事发生的时候,有一个人,一个不值得一提的小角色,在这段感天动地的爱情故事里,默默地在他生命里的某个角落,为他耕耘,为他担心,为他付出.这个小角色对他的爱,并不凄美, 并不感人.那就... 抹杀吧?!
"爱你到我剩下最后一口气" 是我对你真正的承诺,但这句话却常挂在你嘴边,而我却从来没说出口.
他... 一定会回到我身边
但他并不知道,一切都太迟了, 不管有什么惊世的苦衷,一切都因为他的任性,回不了过去.
我很想和他白头偕老,但,就只能等下辈子,在和他成为夫妻.
再见了...陈伟华
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
烂坚强
分手已有大概十五天了
每天自己还是会去看他的profile
总是扮得很坚强的，很大方的祝福他们，自己每次都暗地里在偷偷难过
唉。。。 这就是我
我很爱他，没错
只能怪自己爱了一个不该爱的人
我不能强逼他再爱我，我。。。只能让我自己不再爱他
是时候放开了，会不舍得不是因为害怕找不到更好的，而是因为自己‘爱了’他
生日快到了，其实很怕自己一个人过生日，虽然朋友会陪我，但，还是会害怕单身的生日
他对我的承诺一直在我耳边响起，一直一刀一刀地往我心上割
我几时才会听不见呢？
很快。。。很快。。。
每天自己还是会去看他的profile
总是扮得很坚强的，很大方的祝福他们，自己每次都暗地里在偷偷难过
唉。。。 这就是我
我很爱他，没错
只能怪自己爱了一个不该爱的人
我不能强逼他再爱我，我。。。只能让我自己不再爱他
是时候放开了，会不舍得不是因为害怕找不到更好的，而是因为自己‘爱了’他
生日快到了，其实很怕自己一个人过生日，虽然朋友会陪我，但，还是会害怕单身的生日
他对我的承诺一直在我耳边响起，一直一刀一刀地往我心上割
我几时才会听不见呢？
很快。。。很快。。。
Sunday, May 17, 2009
最后一封信
在这个圈子里，合了又分，分了又合，一而再，再而三地为感情肝肠寸断，一直不停的轮回着，到底会到什么时候，才能够解脱，得到实实在在的幸福？一辈子？在一个二十年过后，我们剩下的是什么？人老珠黄，孤独终老？我清楚地知道我不能让自己这样下去。如果我也像其他人一样让我的感情和欲望继续放纵， 在很早以前，我已经和你分开了，不会等到今天，我对感情的那份坚持，让你伤了我一次又一次。是时候长大了宝贝...
还记得你给我的一个愿望吗?
我不在你身边的时候,好好照顾自己.
请实现我的愿望
珍重.
还记得你给我的一个愿望吗?
我不在你身边的时候,好好照顾自己.
请实现我的愿望
珍重.
Friday, May 1, 2009
游子篇
听着prettywoman， 心情好了一些。。。
到这里已经六天了，在医院工作也有两天了，我，怎么都觉得不太对呢？每次上完班走回家的路，总是那么孤单和漫长，心里总是说不出的难受，拿起了电话，总是拨那两个熟悉的号码，给两个我放不下的人， 一个是我妈，一个是他。曾几何时，那已成了我的习惯。我选择到这里工作，很大原因也是为了他们。
我做对决定了吗？我会后悔吗？现在回头还来得及！ 。。。脑海里不断地浮现这个念头。
我不能这么轻易放弃，我知道这是个适应期，一个过渡期，一切一定会好起来的。我问我自己，我什么时候都可以潇洒的离开，为什么是现在？
对于和他将来会怎么样？我很想让自己憧憬着美丽的未来，但，我现实的那一面，阻止着我的奢望，我知道他要是知道我不敢抱着希望，一定会失望生气，但我真的无法自拔，深怕跌倒了爬不起来。我很爱他， 我。。。很想念他。电话里，总是不敢流露太多心理的不安和想念，就因为自己不习惯让别人看见自己脆弱无助的一面。所以，别人自然而然很难理解对方在自己心里有多重要。我告诉我妈我想家，她竟然不相信。唉。。。又有谁会相信呢？
我喜欢自己的工作吗？我是一个真正的医生吗？我适合吗？自己开始质疑自己的初衷。我要什么？我将来要怎么样？我的一生要怎么过？一直不停地问自己。理想顿时变成了工作，热衷顿时变成了责任。我。。。变质了吗？
我。。。还没准备好。
到这里已经六天了，在医院工作也有两天了，我，怎么都觉得不太对呢？每次上完班走回家的路，总是那么孤单和漫长，心里总是说不出的难受，拿起了电话，总是拨那两个熟悉的号码，给两个我放不下的人， 一个是我妈，一个是他。曾几何时，那已成了我的习惯。我选择到这里工作，很大原因也是为了他们。
我做对决定了吗？我会后悔吗？现在回头还来得及！ 。。。脑海里不断地浮现这个念头。
我不能这么轻易放弃，我知道这是个适应期，一个过渡期，一切一定会好起来的。我问我自己，我什么时候都可以潇洒的离开，为什么是现在？
对于和他将来会怎么样？我很想让自己憧憬着美丽的未来，但，我现实的那一面，阻止着我的奢望，我知道他要是知道我不敢抱着希望，一定会失望生气，但我真的无法自拔，深怕跌倒了爬不起来。我很爱他， 我。。。很想念他。电话里，总是不敢流露太多心理的不安和想念，就因为自己不习惯让别人看见自己脆弱无助的一面。所以，别人自然而然很难理解对方在自己心里有多重要。我告诉我妈我想家，她竟然不相信。唉。。。又有谁会相信呢？
我喜欢自己的工作吗？我是一个真正的医生吗？我适合吗？自己开始质疑自己的初衷。我要什么？我将来要怎么样？我的一生要怎么过？一直不停地问自己。理想顿时变成了工作，热衷顿时变成了责任。我。。。变质了吗？
我。。。还没准备好。
Sunday, April 5, 2009
human
Humans are emotional, and as much as we'd like to think we are rational, most of the time our actions prove otherwise.
Friday, April 3, 2009
a story from Shravasti Dhammika
Occasionally someone, usually a young man but sometimes a young women or an older man or women, will approach me and after a few minuets of hesitation or beating around the bush, ask me what the Buddhist position on homosexuality is. When they do I tell then that intentional actions (kamma) modify consciousness and that our kamma conditions our future. Positive intentional acts have positive effects (vipaka) and negative intentional acts have a negative effect. Sexual acts motivated by the usual intentions, feelings and emotions which exist between two people who love each other, would have a positive effect and would not infringe the third Precept, whether they be homosexual or heterosexual. I underline this point by saying that Buddhist ethics about sex are primarily concerned with the motives behind out sexual behavior, rather than the gender of our partner. This being so, if two people of the same gender express their love for each other physically there is no good reason why the kamma this creates should be any different from when two people of the opposite gender do the same. Having said this I then try to change the subject, not because I am embarrassed talking about homosexuality, but because I do not like the ‘single issue’ approach to Dhamma. However, a few years ago I had an encounter which made me realize that inquiries about homosexuality, whether from gays themselves or their families, should be given my whole attention. However theoretical or marginal this issue may be to me it is likely to be of considerable import to the people who ask such questions.
A young man named Julian rung me asking if he could come and talk to me about Buddhism. I said he could and on the appointed day and time he came. Julian turned out to be about 20 old, of slight build and with pleasant features. He was well groomed and neatly dressed. He started by asking me a few questions about some aspects of Buddhism but I sensed that these were not really what he was interested in. Finally the question came, “Venerable, can a gay person be a good Buddhist?” I gave my usual reply but it soon became clear that this did not please him. He kept interjecting and expressing doubts about what I said. I answered all his objections but he remained unconvinced. Arriving at a deadlock and not knowing what more I could say I asked him if he was gay. He blushed, cleared his throat and said that he was. Then he told me his story. Since his early teens he noticed that he was attracted to other boys and had a particular interest in woman’s clothes. Horrified by these feelings he kept them well under control. A year ago while doing his national service he had met another soldier who was gay and since that time they had been having a relationship, although a guilt-filled and fugitive one. Once or twice a month they would pool their recourses and book a hotel for the night. He would dress in woman’s clothes, put on makeup and they would spend the night together. For Julian at least, this would be followed by days of self-loathing and resolutions never to do it again. After he had finished telling me this he hung his head and said, “This must be wrong.” “Well,” I said, “some people would find it a bit strange. But from a Buddhist perspective I really can’t see that it is particularly harmful. Satisfying sexual urges is a perfectly natural thing to do and it is acceptable where it does not involve adultery or harming others. The conflict you create within yourself by hating what are completely harmless feelings hurts you much more than being gay ever could. There is no reason why you can’t practice the Precepts – respecting the life, the prosperity and the sexual feelings of others, their right to know the truth and keeping your mind free from intoxicants – while being gay.” He was silent but I could see that I had not been able to still his doubts. Julian visited me two more time over the next two month and our conversations were about the Dhamma in general although we also went over the same territory concerning homosexuality with very much the same results.
Then, after not having seen or heard from Julian for nearly six month I got a call from him. He told me that a famous Taiwanese monk was in town giving a series of talks and that he had managed to get a few minuets with him. He had asked the monk the same question he had asked me and the monk had told him that homosexuality was a filthy, evil thing and that homosexuals get reborn in the lowest hell where they are boiled in excrement for eons. Julian said this with in an almost triumphant tone, seemingly glad that he had proved me wrong or that he had found someone who agreed with him. I asked him what else this venerable monk had said. “Nothing,” he replied. “He was going somewhere and only had a few minuets to talk.”
How often has this happened to me? I have told an inquirer something about Buddhism which I know to be sound, sensible and in accordance with the Tipitaka, they go to another monk who tells them the exact opposite and then they come back to me asking me to explain the anomaly. Then I am stuck with the problem of either saying that the other monk doesn’t know what he is talking about (which is often the case) and appearing to be an arrogant upstart, or biting my lip, saying nothing and letting the person go away with yet another half-baked notion or superstition thinking that it is Dhamma. How often? Very often! In most cases this is just frustrating. In this case it had tragic consequences.
“Look Julian” I said, “You asked me what Buddhism would say about homosexuality and I told you based on my 20 years of studying the Buddhist scriptures and thinking about various issues in the light of the Buddha’s Dhamma. I don’t know what else I can say.” I told him that if he wanted to talk with me at any time he was welcome to do so and then we hung up.
Four days later I was browsing through the paper and a small article tucked away on the eighth page caught my eye. The heading read ‘Man’s Body Found in Park.’ I scanned the article briefly and was about to turn to something else when the name Julian sprung out at me. In an instant my attention was riveted. I read the part where this name appeared and sure enough it was about the Julian who had come to see me. I returned to the top of the article and read it all the way through. Four days earlier, perhaps only a few hours after ringing me, Julian had gone to a park in the centre of Singapore late at night, taken an overdose of sleeping tablets and been found dead the next morning. A suicide note had been found in his pocket but the article did mention what it said. I was overwhelmed by sorrow. The thought of him lying there utterly alone, hating himself and in such despair that he would kill himself almost made me cry. But soon anger was welling up through the sadness and diluting it until it had completely replaced the sadness. I pictured the Taiwanese monk blithely dispensing his ignorant and ultimately toxic opinion before rushing off to give a sermon about compassion or receive the accolade of the crowd. I became so angry that I resolved to write him a letter and tell him what he had been responsible for. Then I thought it would probably be a waste of time. He probably wouldn’t even remember talking to Julian.
It seems to me that most thoughtful people would agree that sex without love is a pretty unattractive thing. Physically, it is little more than ‘exchanging fluids’ as the AIDS awareness literature so delicately puts it. What lifts sex above the fluids exchange level is the motives and emotions behind it – affection, tenderness, the desire to give and receive, the bonds of companionship, fun even. This fits well into the Buddha’s famous statement, “I say that intention is kamma.” Is sticking a knife into someone a positive or a negative action? It depends! If the knife was held by an enraged violent person it would probably be negative. If it is held by a surgeon performing an operation to save someone’s life it would certainly be positive. From the Buddhist perspective, sexual behavior is not judged primarily by the gender of the people involved, by the dictates of a code of behavior drawn up in the Bronze Age or by whether a legal document has been signed, but by its psychological components. Homosexuals are as capable of wanting and of feeling love and affection towards their partners as heterosexuals are and where such states are present homosexual sex is as acceptable as heterosexual sex.
This is a simple and logical truth and it is in accordance with Buddhist teachings but circumstances were such that I was unable to help Julian see it. All his experience had told him that being attracted to people of the same gender is wrong. Those around him had always expressed disapproval towards homosexuality and sniggered at gays. The law (in Singapore) told him that homosexuality is so heinous that it must be punished by 10 years imprisonment, more than for manslaughter. He knew that religious teachers, Christian, Muslim and even some Buddhists, consider it so evil that it will have dreadful consequences in the life hereafter. All this denigration and ignorance prevented him from hearing the gentle, reasonable and kindly words of the Buddha. It caused him inestimable suffering and finally drove him to suicide.
I am reminded of Julian because three weeks ago I represented Buddhism in a seminar on religion and homosexuality at Catholic Junior Collage (Boy! Haven’t Catholic collages changed!). Of the 800 students in the audience I assumed that a certain number would probably be homosexual and may be struggling to understand their feelings. Knowing that what I said may well have something to do with them growing up either happy and well-adjusted or tortured and self-loathing, I did took great care to explain the Buddhist position on homosexuality.
A young man named Julian rung me asking if he could come and talk to me about Buddhism. I said he could and on the appointed day and time he came. Julian turned out to be about 20 old, of slight build and with pleasant features. He was well groomed and neatly dressed. He started by asking me a few questions about some aspects of Buddhism but I sensed that these were not really what he was interested in. Finally the question came, “Venerable, can a gay person be a good Buddhist?” I gave my usual reply but it soon became clear that this did not please him. He kept interjecting and expressing doubts about what I said. I answered all his objections but he remained unconvinced. Arriving at a deadlock and not knowing what more I could say I asked him if he was gay. He blushed, cleared his throat and said that he was. Then he told me his story. Since his early teens he noticed that he was attracted to other boys and had a particular interest in woman’s clothes. Horrified by these feelings he kept them well under control. A year ago while doing his national service he had met another soldier who was gay and since that time they had been having a relationship, although a guilt-filled and fugitive one. Once or twice a month they would pool their recourses and book a hotel for the night. He would dress in woman’s clothes, put on makeup and they would spend the night together. For Julian at least, this would be followed by days of self-loathing and resolutions never to do it again. After he had finished telling me this he hung his head and said, “This must be wrong.” “Well,” I said, “some people would find it a bit strange. But from a Buddhist perspective I really can’t see that it is particularly harmful. Satisfying sexual urges is a perfectly natural thing to do and it is acceptable where it does not involve adultery or harming others. The conflict you create within yourself by hating what are completely harmless feelings hurts you much more than being gay ever could. There is no reason why you can’t practice the Precepts – respecting the life, the prosperity and the sexual feelings of others, their right to know the truth and keeping your mind free from intoxicants – while being gay.” He was silent but I could see that I had not been able to still his doubts. Julian visited me two more time over the next two month and our conversations were about the Dhamma in general although we also went over the same territory concerning homosexuality with very much the same results.
Then, after not having seen or heard from Julian for nearly six month I got a call from him. He told me that a famous Taiwanese monk was in town giving a series of talks and that he had managed to get a few minuets with him. He had asked the monk the same question he had asked me and the monk had told him that homosexuality was a filthy, evil thing and that homosexuals get reborn in the lowest hell where they are boiled in excrement for eons. Julian said this with in an almost triumphant tone, seemingly glad that he had proved me wrong or that he had found someone who agreed with him. I asked him what else this venerable monk had said. “Nothing,” he replied. “He was going somewhere and only had a few minuets to talk.”
How often has this happened to me? I have told an inquirer something about Buddhism which I know to be sound, sensible and in accordance with the Tipitaka, they go to another monk who tells them the exact opposite and then they come back to me asking me to explain the anomaly. Then I am stuck with the problem of either saying that the other monk doesn’t know what he is talking about (which is often the case) and appearing to be an arrogant upstart, or biting my lip, saying nothing and letting the person go away with yet another half-baked notion or superstition thinking that it is Dhamma. How often? Very often! In most cases this is just frustrating. In this case it had tragic consequences.
“Look Julian” I said, “You asked me what Buddhism would say about homosexuality and I told you based on my 20 years of studying the Buddhist scriptures and thinking about various issues in the light of the Buddha’s Dhamma. I don’t know what else I can say.” I told him that if he wanted to talk with me at any time he was welcome to do so and then we hung up.
Four days later I was browsing through the paper and a small article tucked away on the eighth page caught my eye. The heading read ‘Man’s Body Found in Park.’ I scanned the article briefly and was about to turn to something else when the name Julian sprung out at me. In an instant my attention was riveted. I read the part where this name appeared and sure enough it was about the Julian who had come to see me. I returned to the top of the article and read it all the way through. Four days earlier, perhaps only a few hours after ringing me, Julian had gone to a park in the centre of Singapore late at night, taken an overdose of sleeping tablets and been found dead the next morning. A suicide note had been found in his pocket but the article did mention what it said. I was overwhelmed by sorrow. The thought of him lying there utterly alone, hating himself and in such despair that he would kill himself almost made me cry. But soon anger was welling up through the sadness and diluting it until it had completely replaced the sadness. I pictured the Taiwanese monk blithely dispensing his ignorant and ultimately toxic opinion before rushing off to give a sermon about compassion or receive the accolade of the crowd. I became so angry that I resolved to write him a letter and tell him what he had been responsible for. Then I thought it would probably be a waste of time. He probably wouldn’t even remember talking to Julian.
It seems to me that most thoughtful people would agree that sex without love is a pretty unattractive thing. Physically, it is little more than ‘exchanging fluids’ as the AIDS awareness literature so delicately puts it. What lifts sex above the fluids exchange level is the motives and emotions behind it – affection, tenderness, the desire to give and receive, the bonds of companionship, fun even. This fits well into the Buddha’s famous statement, “I say that intention is kamma.” Is sticking a knife into someone a positive or a negative action? It depends! If the knife was held by an enraged violent person it would probably be negative. If it is held by a surgeon performing an operation to save someone’s life it would certainly be positive. From the Buddhist perspective, sexual behavior is not judged primarily by the gender of the people involved, by the dictates of a code of behavior drawn up in the Bronze Age or by whether a legal document has been signed, but by its psychological components. Homosexuals are as capable of wanting and of feeling love and affection towards their partners as heterosexuals are and where such states are present homosexual sex is as acceptable as heterosexual sex.
This is a simple and logical truth and it is in accordance with Buddhist teachings but circumstances were such that I was unable to help Julian see it. All his experience had told him that being attracted to people of the same gender is wrong. Those around him had always expressed disapproval towards homosexuality and sniggered at gays. The law (in Singapore) told him that homosexuality is so heinous that it must be punished by 10 years imprisonment, more than for manslaughter. He knew that religious teachers, Christian, Muslim and even some Buddhists, consider it so evil that it will have dreadful consequences in the life hereafter. All this denigration and ignorance prevented him from hearing the gentle, reasonable and kindly words of the Buddha. It caused him inestimable suffering and finally drove him to suicide.
I am reminded of Julian because three weeks ago I represented Buddhism in a seminar on religion and homosexuality at Catholic Junior Collage (Boy! Haven’t Catholic collages changed!). Of the 800 students in the audience I assumed that a certain number would probably be homosexual and may be struggling to understand their feelings. Knowing that what I said may well have something to do with them growing up either happy and well-adjusted or tortured and self-loathing, I did took great care to explain the Buddhist position on homosexuality.
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