a song... for me

I never knew i could feel like this
like i've never seen the sky before
when u sing out this song
u are my heavenly bliss
everyday i'll love u more and more

will i begin to live again
the pain in my heart hurts so steadily
but all is gone when i see you smile
baby i love u till the end of time

if there is a place i wanna be
i'm always by ur side
holding u close to me
and let our love soar so high
why do i feel so weak
u have got me into deep
u r living in my dream
and i always know u got me where u want me

i've been feeling lost
cant find the words to say
spending all my time
stuck in yesterday
where u are is where i wanna be
oh next to u.... and u next to me


by eric carter hah

julie 7

Dear James,

life here is ok. things are so different being a consultant and a sister in OT. much easier job but different. trying to get use to it. but in other words its ok.

I'm not surprise to get a long reply from you. it is no right and wrong being in love. remember what is the buddha's teaching. compassion. to give to share. that is what makes our will to live and to learn. we are born to suffer. but in what way you see it? everyone is meant to learn. in buddhism, we learn not blindly but from daily life. don't feel lost. you say that you are complete now. so use this as your weapon to sharpen your goal to leave samsara. have faith in yourself. it is not wrong. I know eric knows what's best for both of you. have faith. let time unfold the answers. it's our karma that bring all of you together. let the fruit ripen itself. don't think you are lost. you're not. just a state of confusion. give it time alright?

as for the insurance. I think all of us should see what is eric trying to do. don't worry about it. give nicholas a chance to learn as well. I think no matter what he will learn something. I just hope he would just not live with regret. I now am having faith in eric and his choices. I do not want to know what those email meant anymore. I think he is big enough to handle everything. I know I'll be there if ever he is hurt and sad. I'm still receiving those emails and I do not bother to read it anymore.

james, to love is always this way. you will feel nothing but the person you love. there is no more "myself" there. it is a great thing to love. a giver and a receiver is different in so many ways. pro and con. this is life. I know what is your purpose in life. we all know ourselves. I'll always be here if you need anyone to talk. I do hope to hear from you again.

love
julie.

a confession to julie

dear julie,

how r u? how's life goin?
life is like riding a roller coaster here
all these while has been thinking of writing u and asking for advice but, just cant stop and think properly.
julie... a lot of things had happened. should or shouldn... i am lost sometimes, i dun know.
have been following my heart all these while, let my feeling go wild and wild, do watever i think i should do and want to do.
i am closer and closer to ric now... and i found that i am more and more attached to him, which i think i shouldn. i made myself very clear that i just wan him to be happy, no matter wat he decide to do.
he is a gift in my life
he taught me how to love someone, love can be so selfless and unconditioned and brave...
i realise that all these while when i was with nic, i was kind of afraid to give, because i was so afraid to be hurt at the end.
love is never a shame.... his thinking and actions told me that

i slept with him that night, nic was not around, i mean we only sleep on the same bed (dun get me wrong). that was a very long talk. in the middle of the night, i saw him in great pain, shivering. trying to hide the pain from my notice. suddenly~ i think my mind changed, my life changed, everything after that changed. i have changed, becoming a better person i guess. i know how hard he is goin tru all these while, and i realise how hard nicholas has been coping with the feeling of helplessness and frustration. nic couldn do anything, so do i, i am so helpless that moment. my tears no longer stay in my eye. i just hold him very very tightly, let him feel my grip and heartbeat. and " i'm here ric, u r not alone, let's go thru this together" this is the message that i convey, and i think this is the best thing that i can do.

on the day i returned to singapore after visiting him, i told him that i am in love with him, and i make myself very clear that my love to him is unconditioned, purely one way. i dun wan anything from him,i dun wan any return. i just wanna be as brave as him, to live to love, to live to give, and to live to share. i dun know how real my feeling is... i just follow my heart. i really wish that he could live and be with nicholas, happily ever after, and i will walk away, leaving all my blessings behind to 2 people that i've ever love in my life.

i have him julie, in my heart. i am completed.

one day he told me that he left nicholas all his life insurance money, and he wanted me to manage the fund. i was kind of in shock.
i dun know the money will help nicholas or ruin him at the end. i am worried. his banker is drafting a policy to make everything under control, but i still feel that will bring more harm than help in nic's life.
nic is kind of person that has no strong moral or religion stand. desire can be overwhelming, overriding all the values we keep.and discipline is a big issue for him.
that is why i am worry.
nic does not need those money for living i guess. i will take care of him for the rest of my life.
i talked to him regarding my worries, he noted. i really dun know how it'll turn up. hopefully everything will be fine.
i dun think about future now, cause we r having "now", i just wanna have faith : )
there are coming singapore to visit me this weekend. we r goin to zoo and having his favourite cheesy fries:)
and we r goin to get a tattoo together in august during my convocation break.
there is hope everyday, there is love everyday, there is sharing everyday, and there is no secret for even a single second. this is my life now julie. and it keep me moving : )

julie, thanks for everything. i dun know why i say so but, i am so thankful, for having him in my life.

hope to hear from u soon

loves,
james

RIC's words

"dear james. i really do wanted to go up and say hi and wish u happy bday yesterday. but at a point there is reallywill be awkward for both of u and nic. no matterwat it is i cant promise u how long i can handle this but like i told u b4, i will do wat i am supposed to and everything will be back to point one. no matter wat i really wish u well and happy birthday"

"no matter wat i will make everything in place at well for him b4 i walk out. dun worry. ths i would promise u. everything in his life would be well when the days comes. in all aspects. there won't be anything that he need to worry anymore."

"james, it's not about moving on or not. no matter how it really will feel unless u call urself not human.u wan me to be happy. i wan u to be happy too. i hope u understand my stand for u. i really we both can be happy from the inner self. i know we can do it"

" a great morning to a busy u, keep on smiling"

"another beautiful day, surely you got tired but gonna be back home. smile my dear fren"

"i do not know how can i really express my gratitude and emotions that spending time talking and sharing ideas. will miss u a lot bro... from my heart. i am glad to know u. really wish we had more time."

"it's been a long time since i have this kind of feeling that a fren who i can share life with. i never tot i would find one in malaysia. rest well and safe journey tomorrow. night.

"missing u already bro.."

" seems like more and more things interlink us. i have this very stupid idea. i hope to collaborate with u, working on a song."

"there is nothing such as diferrences or level in music. music is from the heart. and i know we both share one samething from the heart that may lead to a very beautiful song. just say yes my dear. ur talent is really raw andu will be much better than any of us"

"i am sorry, i didn mean anything. but if u need anything just let me know, i will be there."

"i mean i didn mean to put u into this position. i am really sorry. i do realise this somehow. in a way, may be i am just alone without fren to brag. in a way, i know wat you mean and i do feel that too which make me feeling helpless. anyway let;s just dun think about it and we'll be there for each other whenever we need."

"hey, i know whenever u talk to me there is a kinda sour in your voice. my dear dun worry. i will live on. this is too short forme to short for me to know u. i will be ok. for all of u dun feel sad or anything k. i wish everyone i care and love to be happy and well. please be happy ok?"

"dear, just remember, no matterwat is at the end. celebrate my life without tears. hugss.."

"i dun even know how true the feelings we share together, but in many ways, i really know how u feel. love is something to share. dear, i really wanted both of u to be happy. that's all i want. if ever i did something bad to him i just want u to know i have my reasons. nicholas will always be someone i really love in this life. i am willing to do anythingjust to see him smile. and james, if there is a chance in this life or next life. u r an ideal partner to be with and to really love withoutfeeling the insecurity. cause i do feel safe whenever i talk to u. love ya dear~ i gotta delete this if he happens to see this. lol~"

"i feel very painful after saying hurting words to him. bro i felt empty today. had a bad dream. i am kinda not stable on my emotion. feel like i am about to explode. but dun worry i am ok.james, ya words really touched my heart."

"dear, i had a great weekend with ya,even it's only one night, i felt really safe and loved. i will miss ya so much. love ya. thanks for that memmory. no matter where i will be. take good care of urself :)"

"i am missing u now, with a heavy heart. i shall see u soon dear."

"dun day sorry, dun feel guilty,i am feeling the same. i am puzzled myself. will tell ya more soon."

"just feel like giving u a smile to lift up ur mood. just saw ya status and my guess was right. lol. bro... i am running out of energy. i amgoin out alone later. just need a break myself"

“things is ok. but pain is really bad today since last night. een the new medication is not working. but things are fine. i will never forget to smile when you in my mind"

"dun worry dear, i told u i am used to it. i will be ok. i am working usual. i wish i can see ya too. ur voice singing is my oain relief so dun worry k:)"

"dear, i know u sounded kinda frus but just smile. for a great future. no matter where i will be. i will be with ya. hugss"

"everyday when i open my eyes, i will be thinking the suppose of my breath. every moment, every minute, can't seen to take a step forward. life is enduring my breath, love is embracing my heart. lust is defeating itself, nuturing the moment in life. for it's beauty magnifying every hostility... thine our heart, shares, forever thine, forever mine, forever ours~"

" saying... i miss you. the memory with me now is a move i wanna take, to breath every moment in this life. for u for me and forus. smile... hugss"

"i really wish i am able to be there when ya feeling lonely and scared. i wish i am there to share ur dark times and not to walk alone. i will always be there.

"remembering u hold me right. go tomorrow morning light. i hope to find you. when i awoke shining for u and me. all i ever want to be safe and warm, in your arms. all i have from the heart of me. i am always there with u."

"dear, i am telling ya cuz i just trust u k? i dun wish him to know wat i am doin. i am honest with ya. i can sustain everything but i dunno how to sustain our love. i am broken~ but dun worry. it's a good day. i know i will be ok soon. dun forget to smile dear. a great day today~"

"thanks for ya offer but no thanks. i have given up all my pride to love him. let me be and gimme me some pride now. i really have nothing. i just wanna be strong for myself too."

"dark star crashes. pouring its light into ashes. reason tatters the force tears loose from the axis. search light casting for faults in the clouds me delusion. shall we go u and i while we can. thru the transition nightfall of diamond. mirror shatters in formless reflection me matter. glass hand dissolving to ice petals flowers revolving. shall we go, u and i while we can?through... i know we can as our only connection is our heart."

"i really dun know dear. but let my karma show me how it will be. dear... i know for me it's hard too. but life is uncertain, death is certain. we strive to leave samsara. have faith. that's wat i am holding on now dear~"

"for now can we let it be? i dun want u hate urself but i want u happy. for now can we do it dear?"

"and please never say sorry to me. like ya said, love like there is no tomorrow. live today to the fullest. for u for me and for us at least."

"dear, all u have to know is i will always be there whenever u need. i just want u to know no matter what, ur happiness meant a lot to me."

"standing underneath the dark sky. as cloudy as it could be. looking for a bright star. calm breeze crease my skin. a memory thatlies within. u shine like the star which i couldn see~"

"i'm with u, u must be superbly tired. but remember this. forever thine, forevermine, forever ours~"

"i'll be ok, i just hope that one day he would not be ashamed of me as his bf. i dun wan him to accept it now and then. just hope when time comes he is ready i will only officially b his partner in life. give him time. i guess u know when se youngcommented on the status. i will wait and be happy."

"~till now i have been intro to his fren as someone imprtant. anyway it doensn really matter la.i'm ok. just the pain caused me tp think weird things. i really need an attitude adjustment. dear, if i am single and ready,u will always be my choice to be with. "

" so from tomorrow onwards no more thanks and sorry from u k? just come clean with watever you feel. i cherish wat is btw us very much."

" i think nic is due to stress as well, do ask him to go for a stress test or so. he wouldn listen to me. i'm really worried about him. all his mind now is keep trying to make my life wonderful and memorable. i do think he is trying too had.i just hop he will be fine."



...... to be cont in RIC's words 2

三个人

爱上了瑞
还爱着尼
三个彼此相爱的人 为什么不能在一起
爱情世界里 就只能容下两个人吗？
我不知道 谁能告诉我

我和瑞，彼此都深爱着尼
我和瑞的感情，却又那么的真实
我和他的心，是相映的
我和他的默契，是无缝的
我可以说他还没说出口的话
他可以做我即将要做的事
我们彼此都很珍惜对方
我们的爱 没有一丝的占有
我们 一起计划尼的未来
我们 一起深爱着他

瑞教会了我很多东西
爱一个人 原来可以这样
爱 可以这样不顾一切
爱 可以跨越生死
爱 可以这么没有范围 没有约束 没有自己
我之前对尼的爱 太自私了 永远不敢给太多 因为怕被伤害

“我爱上了你” 终于在那天晚上，说了出口
我没有希望得到什么， 我更没有想要和他在一起
我只是想让他知道 我爱他
是他让我明白 爱是怎么一回事
love is never a shame
是他给我勇气 再去爱一个人
我对他的爱 并不可耻

原来他的感觉和想法 和我一样

我们心里都知道 我们不会在一起 但...我们却不会再分开
我不知道怎么说 那种感觉....
我们约好下辈子再相遇 下下辈子 再相遇 再相遇 再相遇

我 同时爱上了两个人
以前都觉得那是不可能的事 但 我真的爱上了两个人

那天晚上 我们三个人排坐在沙发上, 瑞在中间
忽然看着前面电视机里我们三个人的倒影 骤然发现...
这一边 我和瑞有着属于我们的爱情故事
那一边 尼 和瑞有着属于他们自己的爱情故事
而当瑞走开的时候 尼把头依了过来 吻了我...
看着倒影... 我们... 有着我们自己的爱情故事....
我 怎么啦
我们 怎么啦
我... 吓哭了
因为 我不再知道 发生了什么事
我不认识当下的空间 当下的世界
我 双脚碰不到底 莫名的恐慌
崩溃了

在我们的世界里 三个人不能在一起吗?

在我们的世界里....
三个人...
...不能在一起吗?

你们两个好好的活着 彼此相爱 快快乐乐的过生活 白头偕老
这是我每晚临睡前的祷告
我不在故事里 又有谁在乎
我会像一棵大树 永远都在同一个地方 守护着你们
好好地活下去
请你们 好好地活下去

瑞

瑞
悄悄的 出现在我的生命里
他在我生命里所带来的那股冲击,真的让我有点措手不及.
他一寸一寸地占据我心里的那片土地
而他所占据的那些... 都不知不觉长满了绿油油的青草,和白色的小野花.
天空 很蓝
风 无拘无束
我的心 是平静的
他让我感觉到安全 让我能完完全全的 卸下盔甲 闭上眼睛 安心的入睡
谢谢你 瑞

答应我 不要害怕 我永远在你身边 就像大树一样 永远在同一个地方 守候着你