a confession to julie

dear julie,

how r u? how's life goin?
life is like riding a roller coaster here
all these while has been thinking of writing u and asking for advice but, just cant stop and think properly.
julie... a lot of things had happened. should or shouldn... i am lost sometimes, i dun know.
have been following my heart all these while, let my feeling go wild and wild, do watever i think i should do and want to do.
i am closer and closer to ric now... and i found that i am more and more attached to him, which i think i shouldn. i made myself very clear that i just wan him to be happy, no matter wat he decide to do.
he is a gift in my life
he taught me how to love someone, love can be so selfless and unconditioned and brave...
i realise that all these while when i was with nic, i was kind of afraid to give, because i was so afraid to be hurt at the end.
love is never a shame.... his thinking and actions told me that

i slept with him that night, nic was not around, i mean we only sleep on the same bed (dun get me wrong). that was a very long talk. in the middle of the night, i saw him in great pain, shivering. trying to hide the pain from my notice. suddenly~ i think my mind changed, my life changed, everything after that changed. i have changed, becoming a better person i guess. i know how hard he is goin tru all these while, and i realise how hard nicholas has been coping with the feeling of helplessness and frustration. nic couldn do anything, so do i, i am so helpless that moment. my tears no longer stay in my eye. i just hold him very very tightly, let him feel my grip and heartbeat. and " i'm here ric, u r not alone, let's go thru this together" this is the message that i convey, and i think this is the best thing that i can do.

on the day i returned to singapore after visiting him, i told him that i am in love with him, and i make myself very clear that my love to him is unconditioned, purely one way. i dun wan anything from him,i dun wan any return. i just wanna be as brave as him, to live to love, to live to give, and to live to share. i dun know how real my feeling is... i just follow my heart. i really wish that he could live and be with nicholas, happily ever after, and i will walk away, leaving all my blessings behind to 2 people that i've ever love in my life.

i have him julie, in my heart. i am completed.

one day he told me that he left nicholas all his life insurance money, and he wanted me to manage the fund. i was kind of in shock.
i dun know the money will help nicholas or ruin him at the end. i am worried. his banker is drafting a policy to make everything under control, but i still feel that will bring more harm than help in nic's life.
nic is kind of person that has no strong moral or religion stand. desire can be overwhelming, overriding all the values we keep.and discipline is a big issue for him.
that is why i am worry.
nic does not need those money for living i guess. i will take care of him for the rest of my life.
i talked to him regarding my worries, he noted. i really dun know how it'll turn up. hopefully everything will be fine.
i dun think about future now, cause we r having "now", i just wanna have faith : )
there are coming singapore to visit me this weekend. we r goin to zoo and having his favourite cheesy fries:)
and we r goin to get a tattoo together in august during my convocation break.
there is hope everyday, there is love everyday, there is sharing everyday, and there is no secret for even a single second. this is my life now julie. and it keep me moving : )

julie, thanks for everything. i dun know why i say so but, i am so thankful, for having him in my life.

hope to hear from u soon

loves,
james