greys' anatomy S05E13

greys' anatomy is always my favorite series.

after watching this episode, there was a torrent of feeling that swept my heart, just like my greys always do.
being in this profession, to be frank, i yet to know where this profession will lead my life to, not in the sense of carrier path, but my conscience, consciousness, mentality, feeling and satisfaction in life.
what is the responsibility of being a doctor? how broad and further does it encompass? when should i stop? i believe that there will be thousands of answer, or no answer i would say.
i have a kind of feeling like floating on the sea. i dun know where am i going, i dun know who is deciding my direction, the wind? the tide? or i am instinctively swimming towards somewhere i dun even know.
there is a decision that i need to make, working in singapore or malaysia. i thought i had made up my mind long ago. but now seems like the decision was yet to be firm. working as a doctor, what are the things that i want in my life? or how i want my life to be?
after sedimenting my mind, i realize that it is no longer a matter of what i want, but it is what i can do, for the poeple i love, and for the people who need me.
sounds like i am going to be a great one huh? am i?
i really hope that i will not lose myself along the way. If i do, i hope that i could find my way back.

Being a doctor... is a gift.

A lady to remember

i have a story to tell......
today i met a women in a palliative care unit.
she was a 39 year-old lady with a stage 4 breast cancer and severe lung metastasis.
she was very ill, cachetic and breathless and all her four limbs were deformed, may be due to decrease in joint movements, contractures were everywhere.
there was a story behind this lady..
she was a single mother with a 5 years old daughter.
the disease was diagnosed rather late and the prognosis was very poor.
after she knew that she could not live long enough to raise her own daughter, she arranged an adoption for her 5 years old daughter. the adoptive family was foriegners in one of the western country, if i was not mistaken.
today, the family promised to bring her daughter back to see her, because doctor predicted that she may not be able to live till next week.
while prof yip was doing consultation, she insisted to go home. because she said she did not want her daughter to see her in this condition. she was afraid that her daughter was not prepared to see her like this, with tubes and drips all over her body.
but the thing is, her condition was very critical and she needed hospital fascilities to support her life.
prof yip tried to persuade and reason out for her so that she would stay.
there were frustration, helplessness and tears.
this.... would be the last time her daughter see her mummy, she decided to undergo terminal sedation after she meet her daughter today. then she will fall into deep sleep, forever.
this lady, a great mother, may be forgotten, one day when her daughter grows up.
but this lady, will live in my heart, in my story.
and this is the best i can do.

this lady, her name, is... Berlinda

一封短讯

谢谢你听我说话和与我分析。
刚看了你给我的短讯。
其实我觉得你误会了我的意思。这一次不是一个一比一打平的局面，这一次他真的做错了。可能像你所说的那样，我们性格上很像，但这次，我真的把自己做得很好了。我问你我有没有做错什么，是因为我担心在我不知道的情况下我伤害了他，如果是那样，那我可能有原谅他的理由。现在我知道了，所以，我跨步向前的同时，我不会再回头看。
我没有欠他任何东西。这次是他弄疼了我，我选择了离开。绝对不是个一比一的局面。
我跟他是有不一样的地方的，而这些不一样的地方，是我很辛苦，挑战自己的自尊和自大，在你和其他人身上学回来的， 可能改变得不够快不够多，但我跟他，是有很大的差别的。

失去了一个好朋友

今天，我失去了一个好朋友
我很难过...同时，我也感到莫名的轻松, 像放下了一个大包袱一样.
我,没有停留片刻,往前走的我是微笑的.
放弃了的东西, 得到了又失去, 也不会在心上再留下任何伤痕.
珍重,我的好朋友.

考试前45天

今天，决定到他家去住一个晚上，很期待，自己已经不懂有多少天没见到他了，感觉上似乎很久了. 这几天,我很想念他,他在短讯里也让我觉得他很挂着我.
我在约好的半个小时前就到达他家了.
进了房间,接着应该是一个充满感觉的拥抱, 他...并没有.坐在电脑前又在看着他的东西.我走上前去,在背后搂着他,在他耳边轻轻地说话.他...没什么反应, 就只叫我专心读书. 当时我真的觉得很冷,他...很冷. 他比短讯里一个个没有表情的文字还要冰冷. 读书? 如果真的只为了读书,那我又何必去到他家呢? 我躺在床上,脱掉上衣,看着天花板发愣.
很久了,他都没望过来.
我叫了他一声,接下来他看着我的那个眼神,让我忽然觉得一阵心寒. 那双充满厌恶感的眼神,很熟悉,是翰维,对! 是那个让我提出分手的眼神. 我...很难过, 我不想去做任何猜测,我不想去分析他心里想什么,我不想现在这个时候去面对这种事情.
我发了个短讯给我的好朋友,要她拨电给我,随便找了个理由然后匆忙地离开.我不想再面对他.
我最讨厌死缠烂打,如果你不想见我,就直接告诉我,我绝对不会出现在你面前...

我是个有了另一半的人,今年二十五岁, 学生, 喜欢男生.

每个人的故事...

"我要幫你買些食物放在家裡,因為我不要當你一個人的時候肚子餓"

"我說:你知道我脾氣不是很好,而且我很兇
你答:我不要讓你生氣你就不會對我兇"

"Beautiful thing我們彼此所喜愛的歌曲,這首歌最高紀錄在你的車上連續放了四次,那時我們第三次見面"

"你說:what happen to me? Why I like you so much...."

"你說:you dunt believe in long distance relationship but you want to try just beacause of me"

"曾經我們彼此的FB被朋友笑說看了會得糖尿病."

"儘管你沒有贏,但是我還是答應了你一個wish:不管在曼谷發生什麼事情,我一定要讓你知道我心理面在想什麼.因為你不希望我們如同傳說中戀人會在曼谷而分手"

看見你在你的生日派對上緊張著找尋我的身影時,我告訴自己你會是值得我所託付的那個人.
聽見朋友不斷告訴我,你就是我要找的那個一個愛我比我愛他還要多的人時,我告訴自己上天對我是多麼的慈悲.
聽到你擔心曼谷會成為我們最後在一起出遊的地方而所做的承諾時,我相信我們不會成為傳說中的怨偶.
看到你在後車廂放了我兩個多月前心儀許久的包包還精心包裝成我的耶誕禮物時,我告訴自己我是你的.

你是我第一個在一起不到一個月就吼我的戀人
我是你第一個在我負氣離開時願意追回我的戀人

或許,
七個禮拜並沒有長到可以讓兩個不同背景的人彼此認識
但是我相信聰明的你和我早已能看透彼此的想法
也或許是所謂的曼谷魔咒
不管是酒精還是其他讓我們彼此曾經失去理智
但是
快一個月過去了
既然沒有一方願意將對方拉回至自己的懷抱
或許就默許結束這一段至少對我來說曾經充滿許多憧憬的戀情

喜歡一個人,不一定要在一起
重要的是你能夠看他開開心心的度過每一天


"也許我終該停下來,為一個值得愛的人永遠的停下來."
當我的關心變成你的負擔甚至是壓力時
我知道這已訴說了答案
很遺憾沒有陪你完成那13件事情.但是我會把那份感動放在我的內心裡.

很高興認識你,希望你能繼續開開心心的度過每一天

今天是沒有聽到你聲音的第25天.
是不知道你過的好不好的第16天.
也是我決定做出離開你的第一天....



今天,在facebook发现了这篇文章，深深地吸了一口气，我并不感到意外，他们分手了.
读了一遍,心很酸,应该不止是作者有着这样的感觉, 旁观的我们, 也仿佛深深地,重复的,体会到深埋在我们每个人心里的一道伤疤. 这段故事, 这个情节, 似曾相识...

第一章

终于， 我有了我自己的部落各， 我称它为乌托邦，因为在这里我才能真正的，坦荡荡的活着。没有约束，没有歧视，没有批判，没有羞辱。

我是一个同性恋者，一个生活在东方社会的同志。自从我知道自己的性取向之后，生活，就不再简单平凡。除了同志本身，很少人能理解同志的心路历程，我可以这么说。我们的价值观，思考模式，欢察事物的角度， 都与“普通人”不一样。我们是特别的一群，被孤立的一群，被遗弃的一群。

很多人都问，为什么好端端一个人的要选择当同志？
亲爱的朋友们，那不是一个选择的问题, 我们并没有做出选择
其实我们… 没有选择

以前自己总是想知道为什么自己会是同志, 但现在, 真的就像畅新告诉我那样, 都不重要了.
重要的是,眼前的路,该怎么走下去.




i am a gay, i live in an asian society that somehow homosexuallity is prohibited. i, try to be the very true self, although i have paid prices to live this way. non of things in my life is a natural fit for me, but i have found my way in by making it personal.i am who i am, no matter how people see me in the eyes, i am who i am, and i am proud to be myself, i am proud to be one. This is where my story begins,and... welcome to my life ：）