Permanent

a 2nd song by eric carter hah to me
never could have thought that he actually know what and how i feel all this while when he is fighting for survival....

"Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry.
And everything, it will surely change even if
I tell you I won't go away today

will u think that you're all alone
when no one's there to hold ur hand?
and all u know seems so far away
and everything is temporary rest ur head
i'm permanent

i know he's living in hell every single day
and so i ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place
and when they say it's all touch and go
i wish i could make it go away
but still u say

will u think that you're all alone
when no one's there to hold ur hand?
and all u know seems so far away
and everything is temporary rest ur head
i'm permanent
i'm permanent

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry...

分手吧~ 哦~ 分手吧

陈伟华
我们做回朋友吧
也就是说 我放弃了我们之间的感情
给了那么多次机会， 最后还是一次又一次的伤害
分手吧 我不适合你 我不能接受你对感情的价值观
ric 知道的东西 我全都知道 他还有力气去和你争辩， 但我已没力气了， 我不想再这样辛苦地爱着你了
你是我这一辈子里对我撒最多谎的人 而我最痛恨的就是谎言， 而且是出自我爱的人口里 伤害更深
这一阵子 kenji告诉我所有的东西之后， 我什么都没说， 累了， 不想再去想为什么你还是要这样， 我只想好好过自己的生活， 照顾ric。 就这样。而且希望你能找份好工作， 所以到现在才提出分手。
与其整天在烦kenji几时才肯放过你， 何不自己洁身自爱， 坦荡荡做人， 哪怕人家重伤你。你停下来的时候， 就是kenji 消失的时候。至于谁是kenji ，你比谁都要清楚，它是一个曾经被你伤得很深的人。
不要再说我答应过什么， 我为你的付出已经远远超过你应得的！！！
不要再说你有多难过多委屈多痛苦， 那是你自己拿来的。别尝试和我讲道理， 只怕我现在一肚子的气爆发在你身上。
我跟你之间的感情， 今天就划上句号。
至于你和ric之间感情， 那是你们之间的事。不关我的事
来了新之后， 好好加油， 从新开始。
我们还是朋友，要是你还想要我这个朋友的话。
得空见面， 喝个茶无妨：）

珍重


占姆士

RIC's words II

"nic didn go to see doctor cause of limited funds. i am collecting some debts my fren owe me. if she unable to pay back i may need to loan some from u 1st. i will be able to pay ya back on the first of august when i get paid. just need bout 200 bucks or less. i dun wan him 2 stress up for it. it's theleast i can do. out of ways now."

"watever! anyway dear. it's beyond the words i can say. 我是你的人了！哈哈~ anyway dear... u know~ i am so late.bus isn't here yet. i am walking out to old klang road now. tired~"

"i still wanna work k so dun curse me la dear~ i am gonna have an angel tattoo. cuz ya my angel~LOL gonna be busy drawingtoday"

"i will always be there no matter where i may be~"

"i really miss ya dear... really..."

"morning dear, sukhihontu- may the triple gems be with u. namo porte sa-to akhante maya i-te bagha wa~ happy new moon~"

"must be a busy day for ya, just wanna tell ya i'm missing ya. huggs~"

"honestly i am not well today, pain is unusual.... but still ok here..."

"why always make me cry de dear...?"

"dear... it's really touching to hear that. that's actually why i wanna have taht angel on me. cuz ya too. why are our mentality wave so alike? and ya mouth sweet till~~~haha. but i know. it's from ur heart~"

"no. you did not. at least i am not in a grey zone too. i even will cherish wat we have now. even more. iam glad that u told me. i really am."

"hugs~u never fail to put a smile on my face."

"dear, my pain is terrible. i wish to talk to ya. but i cant talk properly. dun worry bout me k? ya rest well k? i promise tofight to the end for ya."

"T.T dear... if this continue how would i tel u next time when i am in pain? i promise i will be ok. and i will be. i dun promise. just like u. i am playing with gene now."

"dear, i am not leaving u, that was my initial plan. ya know how hard is it for me today? do ya know how much i wanna be by ur sidenow? how much i am struggling inside? i cam't deny, i love ya now. i love nicholas too. ya know what happen when benny call? i know ya not happy, i am not happy too dear. i am really not. i dun know what is going to happen. but seriously i hate my life now. every part of it"

"good night :) i hope everyday. i do wish to spend that time with ya too. i love you~ hug~"

to be cont~

a song... for me

I never knew i could feel like this
like i've never seen the sky before
when u sing out this song
u are my heavenly bliss
everyday i'll love u more and more

will i begin to live again
the pain in my heart hurts so steadily
but all is gone when i see you smile
baby i love u till the end of time

if there is a place i wanna be
i'm always by ur side
holding u close to me
and let our love soar so high
why do i feel so weak
u have got me into deep
u r living in my dream
and i always know u got me where u want me

i've been feeling lost
cant find the words to say
spending all my time
stuck in yesterday
where u are is where i wanna be
oh next to u.... and u next to me


by eric carter hah

julie 7

Dear James,

life here is ok. things are so different being a consultant and a sister in OT. much easier job but different. trying to get use to it. but in other words its ok.

I'm not surprise to get a long reply from you. it is no right and wrong being in love. remember what is the buddha's teaching. compassion. to give to share. that is what makes our will to live and to learn. we are born to suffer. but in what way you see it? everyone is meant to learn. in buddhism, we learn not blindly but from daily life. don't feel lost. you say that you are complete now. so use this as your weapon to sharpen your goal to leave samsara. have faith in yourself. it is not wrong. I know eric knows what's best for both of you. have faith. let time unfold the answers. it's our karma that bring all of you together. let the fruit ripen itself. don't think you are lost. you're not. just a state of confusion. give it time alright?

as for the insurance. I think all of us should see what is eric trying to do. don't worry about it. give nicholas a chance to learn as well. I think no matter what he will learn something. I just hope he would just not live with regret. I now am having faith in eric and his choices. I do not want to know what those email meant anymore. I think he is big enough to handle everything. I know I'll be there if ever he is hurt and sad. I'm still receiving those emails and I do not bother to read it anymore.

james, to love is always this way. you will feel nothing but the person you love. there is no more "myself" there. it is a great thing to love. a giver and a receiver is different in so many ways. pro and con. this is life. I know what is your purpose in life. we all know ourselves. I'll always be here if you need anyone to talk. I do hope to hear from you again.

love
julie.

a confession to julie

dear julie,

how r u? how's life goin?
life is like riding a roller coaster here
all these while has been thinking of writing u and asking for advice but, just cant stop and think properly.
julie... a lot of things had happened. should or shouldn... i am lost sometimes, i dun know.
have been following my heart all these while, let my feeling go wild and wild, do watever i think i should do and want to do.
i am closer and closer to ric now... and i found that i am more and more attached to him, which i think i shouldn. i made myself very clear that i just wan him to be happy, no matter wat he decide to do.
he is a gift in my life
he taught me how to love someone, love can be so selfless and unconditioned and brave...
i realise that all these while when i was with nic, i was kind of afraid to give, because i was so afraid to be hurt at the end.
love is never a shame.... his thinking and actions told me that

i slept with him that night, nic was not around, i mean we only sleep on the same bed (dun get me wrong). that was a very long talk. in the middle of the night, i saw him in great pain, shivering. trying to hide the pain from my notice. suddenly~ i think my mind changed, my life changed, everything after that changed. i have changed, becoming a better person i guess. i know how hard he is goin tru all these while, and i realise how hard nicholas has been coping with the feeling of helplessness and frustration. nic couldn do anything, so do i, i am so helpless that moment. my tears no longer stay in my eye. i just hold him very very tightly, let him feel my grip and heartbeat. and " i'm here ric, u r not alone, let's go thru this together" this is the message that i convey, and i think this is the best thing that i can do.

on the day i returned to singapore after visiting him, i told him that i am in love with him, and i make myself very clear that my love to him is unconditioned, purely one way. i dun wan anything from him,i dun wan any return. i just wanna be as brave as him, to live to love, to live to give, and to live to share. i dun know how real my feeling is... i just follow my heart. i really wish that he could live and be with nicholas, happily ever after, and i will walk away, leaving all my blessings behind to 2 people that i've ever love in my life.

i have him julie, in my heart. i am completed.

one day he told me that he left nicholas all his life insurance money, and he wanted me to manage the fund. i was kind of in shock.
i dun know the money will help nicholas or ruin him at the end. i am worried. his banker is drafting a policy to make everything under control, but i still feel that will bring more harm than help in nic's life.
nic is kind of person that has no strong moral or religion stand. desire can be overwhelming, overriding all the values we keep.and discipline is a big issue for him.
that is why i am worry.
nic does not need those money for living i guess. i will take care of him for the rest of my life.
i talked to him regarding my worries, he noted. i really dun know how it'll turn up. hopefully everything will be fine.
i dun think about future now, cause we r having "now", i just wanna have faith : )
there are coming singapore to visit me this weekend. we r goin to zoo and having his favourite cheesy fries:)
and we r goin to get a tattoo together in august during my convocation break.
there is hope everyday, there is love everyday, there is sharing everyday, and there is no secret for even a single second. this is my life now julie. and it keep me moving : )

julie, thanks for everything. i dun know why i say so but, i am so thankful, for having him in my life.

hope to hear from u soon

loves,
james

RIC's words

"dear james. i really do wanted to go up and say hi and wish u happy bday yesterday. but at a point there is reallywill be awkward for both of u and nic. no matterwat it is i cant promise u how long i can handle this but like i told u b4, i will do wat i am supposed to and everything will be back to point one. no matter wat i really wish u well and happy birthday"

"no matter wat i will make everything in place at well for him b4 i walk out. dun worry. ths i would promise u. everything in his life would be well when the days comes. in all aspects. there won't be anything that he need to worry anymore."

"james, it's not about moving on or not. no matter how it really will feel unless u call urself not human.u wan me to be happy. i wan u to be happy too. i hope u understand my stand for u. i really we both can be happy from the inner self. i know we can do it"

" a great morning to a busy u, keep on smiling"

"another beautiful day, surely you got tired but gonna be back home. smile my dear fren"

"i do not know how can i really express my gratitude and emotions that spending time talking and sharing ideas. will miss u a lot bro... from my heart. i am glad to know u. really wish we had more time."

"it's been a long time since i have this kind of feeling that a fren who i can share life with. i never tot i would find one in malaysia. rest well and safe journey tomorrow. night.

"missing u already bro.."

" seems like more and more things interlink us. i have this very stupid idea. i hope to collaborate with u, working on a song."

"there is nothing such as diferrences or level in music. music is from the heart. and i know we both share one samething from the heart that may lead to a very beautiful song. just say yes my dear. ur talent is really raw andu will be much better than any of us"

"i am sorry, i didn mean anything. but if u need anything just let me know, i will be there."

"i mean i didn mean to put u into this position. i am really sorry. i do realise this somehow. in a way, may be i am just alone without fren to brag. in a way, i know wat you mean and i do feel that too which make me feeling helpless. anyway let;s just dun think about it and we'll be there for each other whenever we need."

"hey, i know whenever u talk to me there is a kinda sour in your voice. my dear dun worry. i will live on. this is too short forme to short for me to know u. i will be ok. for all of u dun feel sad or anything k. i wish everyone i care and love to be happy and well. please be happy ok?"

"dear, just remember, no matterwat is at the end. celebrate my life without tears. hugss.."

"i dun even know how true the feelings we share together, but in many ways, i really know how u feel. love is something to share. dear, i really wanted both of u to be happy. that's all i want. if ever i did something bad to him i just want u to know i have my reasons. nicholas will always be someone i really love in this life. i am willing to do anythingjust to see him smile. and james, if there is a chance in this life or next life. u r an ideal partner to be with and to really love withoutfeeling the insecurity. cause i do feel safe whenever i talk to u. love ya dear~ i gotta delete this if he happens to see this. lol~"

"i feel very painful after saying hurting words to him. bro i felt empty today. had a bad dream. i am kinda not stable on my emotion. feel like i am about to explode. but dun worry i am ok.james, ya words really touched my heart."

"dear, i had a great weekend with ya,even it's only one night, i felt really safe and loved. i will miss ya so much. love ya. thanks for that memmory. no matter where i will be. take good care of urself :)"

"i am missing u now, with a heavy heart. i shall see u soon dear."

"dun day sorry, dun feel guilty,i am feeling the same. i am puzzled myself. will tell ya more soon."

"just feel like giving u a smile to lift up ur mood. just saw ya status and my guess was right. lol. bro... i am running out of energy. i amgoin out alone later. just need a break myself"

“things is ok. but pain is really bad today since last night. een the new medication is not working. but things are fine. i will never forget to smile when you in my mind"

"dun worry dear, i told u i am used to it. i will be ok. i am working usual. i wish i can see ya too. ur voice singing is my oain relief so dun worry k:)"

"dear, i know u sounded kinda frus but just smile. for a great future. no matter where i will be. i will be with ya. hugss"

"everyday when i open my eyes, i will be thinking the suppose of my breath. every moment, every minute, can't seen to take a step forward. life is enduring my breath, love is embracing my heart. lust is defeating itself, nuturing the moment in life. for it's beauty magnifying every hostility... thine our heart, shares, forever thine, forever mine, forever ours~"

" saying... i miss you. the memory with me now is a move i wanna take, to breath every moment in this life. for u for me and forus. smile... hugss"

"i really wish i am able to be there when ya feeling lonely and scared. i wish i am there to share ur dark times and not to walk alone. i will always be there.

"remembering u hold me right. go tomorrow morning light. i hope to find you. when i awoke shining for u and me. all i ever want to be safe and warm, in your arms. all i have from the heart of me. i am always there with u."

"dear, i am telling ya cuz i just trust u k? i dun wish him to know wat i am doin. i am honest with ya. i can sustain everything but i dunno how to sustain our love. i am broken~ but dun worry. it's a good day. i know i will be ok soon. dun forget to smile dear. a great day today~"

"thanks for ya offer but no thanks. i have given up all my pride to love him. let me be and gimme me some pride now. i really have nothing. i just wanna be strong for myself too."

"dark star crashes. pouring its light into ashes. reason tatters the force tears loose from the axis. search light casting for faults in the clouds me delusion. shall we go u and i while we can. thru the transition nightfall of diamond. mirror shatters in formless reflection me matter. glass hand dissolving to ice petals flowers revolving. shall we go, u and i while we can?through... i know we can as our only connection is our heart."

"i really dun know dear. but let my karma show me how it will be. dear... i know for me it's hard too. but life is uncertain, death is certain. we strive to leave samsara. have faith. that's wat i am holding on now dear~"

"for now can we let it be? i dun want u hate urself but i want u happy. for now can we do it dear?"

"and please never say sorry to me. like ya said, love like there is no tomorrow. live today to the fullest. for u for me and for us at least."

"dear, all u have to know is i will always be there whenever u need. i just want u to know no matter what, ur happiness meant a lot to me."

"standing underneath the dark sky. as cloudy as it could be. looking for a bright star. calm breeze crease my skin. a memory thatlies within. u shine like the star which i couldn see~"

"i'm with u, u must be superbly tired. but remember this. forever thine, forevermine, forever ours~"

"i'll be ok, i just hope that one day he would not be ashamed of me as his bf. i dun wan him to accept it now and then. just hope when time comes he is ready i will only officially b his partner in life. give him time. i guess u know when se youngcommented on the status. i will wait and be happy."

"~till now i have been intro to his fren as someone imprtant. anyway it doensn really matter la.i'm ok. just the pain caused me tp think weird things. i really need an attitude adjustment. dear, if i am single and ready,u will always be my choice to be with. "

" so from tomorrow onwards no more thanks and sorry from u k? just come clean with watever you feel. i cherish wat is btw us very much."

" i think nic is due to stress as well, do ask him to go for a stress test or so. he wouldn listen to me. i'm really worried about him. all his mind now is keep trying to make my life wonderful and memorable. i do think he is trying too had.i just hop he will be fine."



...... to be cont in RIC's words 2

三个人

爱上了瑞
还爱着尼
三个彼此相爱的人 为什么不能在一起
爱情世界里 就只能容下两个人吗？
我不知道 谁能告诉我

我和瑞，彼此都深爱着尼
我和瑞的感情，却又那么的真实
我和他的心，是相映的
我和他的默契，是无缝的
我可以说他还没说出口的话
他可以做我即将要做的事
我们彼此都很珍惜对方
我们的爱 没有一丝的占有
我们 一起计划尼的未来
我们 一起深爱着他

瑞教会了我很多东西
爱一个人 原来可以这样
爱 可以这样不顾一切
爱 可以跨越生死
爱 可以这么没有范围 没有约束 没有自己
我之前对尼的爱 太自私了 永远不敢给太多 因为怕被伤害

“我爱上了你” 终于在那天晚上，说了出口
我没有希望得到什么， 我更没有想要和他在一起
我只是想让他知道 我爱他
是他让我明白 爱是怎么一回事
love is never a shame
是他给我勇气 再去爱一个人
我对他的爱 并不可耻

原来他的感觉和想法 和我一样

我们心里都知道 我们不会在一起 但...我们却不会再分开
我不知道怎么说 那种感觉....
我们约好下辈子再相遇 下下辈子 再相遇 再相遇 再相遇

我 同时爱上了两个人
以前都觉得那是不可能的事 但 我真的爱上了两个人

那天晚上 我们三个人排坐在沙发上, 瑞在中间
忽然看着前面电视机里我们三个人的倒影 骤然发现...
这一边 我和瑞有着属于我们的爱情故事
那一边 尼 和瑞有着属于他们自己的爱情故事
而当瑞走开的时候 尼把头依了过来 吻了我...
看着倒影... 我们... 有着我们自己的爱情故事....
我 怎么啦
我们 怎么啦
我... 吓哭了
因为 我不再知道 发生了什么事
我不认识当下的空间 当下的世界
我 双脚碰不到底 莫名的恐慌
崩溃了

在我们的世界里 三个人不能在一起吗?

在我们的世界里....
三个人...
...不能在一起吗?

你们两个好好的活着 彼此相爱 快快乐乐的过生活 白头偕老
这是我每晚临睡前的祷告
我不在故事里 又有谁在乎
我会像一棵大树 永远都在同一个地方 守护着你们
好好地活下去
请你们 好好地活下去

瑞

瑞
悄悄的 出现在我的生命里
他在我生命里所带来的那股冲击,真的让我有点措手不及.
他一寸一寸地占据我心里的那片土地
而他所占据的那些... 都不知不觉长满了绿油油的青草,和白色的小野花.
天空 很蓝
风 无拘无束
我的心 是平静的
他让我感觉到安全 让我能完完全全的 卸下盔甲 闭上眼睛 安心的入睡
谢谢你 瑞

答应我 不要害怕 我永远在你身边 就像大树一样 永远在同一个地方 守候着你

三角恋

故事一直都还没结束....

瑞(ric)走进了我的生活，他撼动了我的人生观，尼之前说的话，尼的改变，我渐渐开始明白... 为什么
我, 站在瑞的角度看未来与人生
我, 站在尼的角度看责任与感情
我, 站在自己的角度看付出与宽恕
我们...都模糊了
我们...都闭上了眼睛,跟着心底最深的那把声音一直走到今天
瑞要他自己抓着剩下的每分每秒,好好爱他,不管未来会怎样,未来有多远
尼要他自己什么都暂时放下,好好让他度过剩下的日子,甚至离开他爱的人
而我却从来都没有放弃自己爱的人,不管他犯了什么错,都不停地付出和体谅

瑞和我现在是好朋友
我和尼以前是情人
尼和瑞现在是伴侣
我们三个人,现在就这样的活着

三个人的坚持就这样构成了暂时的平衡

瑞得不到他爱的人的爱
尼得不到他爱的人的爱
我也得不到我爱的人的爱
我们,都做错了吗?

三个来自不同世界的人,就这样在生命里相互碰出了火花,
他家都受伤了... 但却依然坚持到底,为爱而生,为爱而死.
没有对,也没有错,只是随着生命的洪流,澎湃地攒动,勇敢地起舞

故事,总有结束的一天
而那一天,也就是瑞离开我们的那一天
在这一秒钟,我希望瑞可以好好的活着, 而我...也不会再坚持...

a letter to ric's mum

hi julie,

i am a fren of ric. my name is james. i know ric's story. and i know nicholas as well.
heard that ric's is not goin for op. i am very very sad. and i can imagine how hard u and ric's father feel. i am really sorry.
ric will talk to me whenever he felt sad lately. i dun know his family, and i dun know his circle of frens. i am here just to let u know how is ric's feeling.
he miss u.. so much. he miss home so much. but, he has nowhere to return to. because he did not know where u are. he would pray just to hear your voice when he is in pain.
please do not think that nicholas is the one who can give him comfort, security and love. and please do not think that nicholas would be the one he would like to spend the remaining time with.
he always tell me that his family loves him so much and he might not be able to return their love.
he loves u... more than anything.
i am not going to give up on him!
i will not cry anymore
i will pray
and be there if he needs me
sorry to bother u
and thanks for everything
pls take good care of yourself
may god's blessing always be with u and eric.


stranger,
james

再见了...陈伟华

已经有一段时间了，自己还在吗？我还生活在这个空间里吗？我还属于这里吗？
我不敢在部落格里留下这段日子的记忆和心情，我不想回忆我们在一起快乐的日子，不想回忆他离开我的日子，不想呼吸那没有氧气的空气，我想抹掉一切和他的回忆。
还在犹豫他有苦衷吗？
如果真正爱一个人，不管天崩地裂，海枯石烂，都不会舍弃你。这... 是爱
我曾经爱他,不管天崩地裂,海枯石烂,都不会离开他.
他... 并不爱我, 可能只是喜欢.
看了他的部落各,故事多么的动人,为的是什么?让大家了解他有苦衷?
在这段故事发生的时候,有一个人,一个不值得一提的小角色,在这段感天动地的爱情故事里,默默地在他生命里的某个角落,为他耕耘,为他担心,为他付出.这个小角色对他的爱,并不凄美, 并不感人.那就... 抹杀吧?!
"爱你到我剩下最后一口气" 是我对你真正的承诺,但这句话却常挂在你嘴边,而我却从来没说出口.
他... 一定会回到我身边
但他并不知道,一切都太迟了, 不管有什么惊世的苦衷,一切都因为他的任性,回不了过去.
我很想和他白头偕老,但,就只能等下辈子,在和他成为夫妻.
再见了...陈伟华

烂坚强

分手已有大概十五天了
每天自己还是会去看他的profile
总是扮得很坚强的，很大方的祝福他们，自己每次都暗地里在偷偷难过
唉。。。 这就是我
我很爱他，没错
只能怪自己爱了一个不该爱的人
我不能强逼他再爱我，我。。。只能让我自己不再爱他
是时候放开了，会不舍得不是因为害怕找不到更好的，而是因为自己‘爱了’他
生日快到了，其实很怕自己一个人过生日，虽然朋友会陪我，但，还是会害怕单身的生日
他对我的承诺一直在我耳边响起，一直一刀一刀地往我心上割
我几时才会听不见呢？
很快。。。很快。。。

最后一封信

在这个圈子里，合了又分，分了又合，一而再，再而三地为感情肝肠寸断，一直不停的轮回着，到底会到什么时候，才能够解脱，得到实实在在的幸福？一辈子？在一个二十年过后，我们剩下的是什么？人老珠黄，孤独终老？我清楚地知道我不能让自己这样下去。如果我也像其他人一样让我的感情和欲望继续放纵， 在很早以前，我已经和你分开了，不会等到今天，我对感情的那份坚持，让你伤了我一次又一次。是时候长大了宝贝...

还记得你给我的一个愿望吗?
我不在你身边的时候,好好照顾自己.
请实现我的愿望
珍重.

游子篇

听着prettywoman， 心情好了一些。。。

到这里已经六天了，在医院工作也有两天了，我，怎么都觉得不太对呢？每次上完班走回家的路，总是那么孤单和漫长，心里总是说不出的难受，拿起了电话，总是拨那两个熟悉的号码，给两个我放不下的人， 一个是我妈，一个是他。曾几何时，那已成了我的习惯。我选择到这里工作，很大原因也是为了他们。

我做对决定了吗？我会后悔吗？现在回头还来得及！ 。。。脑海里不断地浮现这个念头。
我不能这么轻易放弃，我知道这是个适应期，一个过渡期，一切一定会好起来的。我问我自己，我什么时候都可以潇洒的离开，为什么是现在？

对于和他将来会怎么样？我很想让自己憧憬着美丽的未来，但，我现实的那一面，阻止着我的奢望，我知道他要是知道我不敢抱着希望，一定会失望生气，但我真的无法自拔，深怕跌倒了爬不起来。我很爱他， 我。。。很想念他。电话里，总是不敢流露太多心理的不安和想念，就因为自己不习惯让别人看见自己脆弱无助的一面。所以，别人自然而然很难理解对方在自己心里有多重要。我告诉我妈我想家，她竟然不相信。唉。。。又有谁会相信呢？

我喜欢自己的工作吗？我是一个真正的医生吗？我适合吗？自己开始质疑自己的初衷。我要什么？我将来要怎么样？我的一生要怎么过？一直不停地问自己。理想顿时变成了工作，热衷顿时变成了责任。我。。。变质了吗？

我。。。还没准备好。

human

Humans are emotional, and as much as we'd like to think we are rational, most of the time our actions prove otherwise.

a story from Shravasti Dhammika

Occasionally someone, usually a young man but sometimes a young women or an older man or women, will approach me and after a few minuets of hesitation or beating around the bush, ask me what the Buddhist position on homosexuality is. When they do I tell then that intentional actions (kamma) modify consciousness and that our kamma conditions our future. Positive intentional acts have positive effects (vipaka) and negative intentional acts have a negative effect. Sexual acts motivated by the usual intentions, feelings and emotions which exist between two people who love each other, would have a positive effect and would not infringe the third Precept, whether they be homosexual or heterosexual. I underline this point by saying that Buddhist ethics about sex are primarily concerned with the motives behind out sexual behavior, rather than the gender of our partner. This being so, if two people of the same gender express their love for each other physically there is no good reason why the kamma this creates should be any different from when two people of the opposite gender do the same. Having said this I then try to change the subject, not because I am embarrassed talking about homosexuality, but because I do not like the ‘single issue’ approach to Dhamma. However, a few years ago I had an encounter which made me realize that inquiries about homosexuality, whether from gays themselves or their families, should be given my whole attention. However theoretical or marginal this issue may be to me it is likely to be of considerable import to the people who ask such questions.
A young man named Julian rung me asking if he could come and talk to me about Buddhism. I said he could and on the appointed day and time he came. Julian turned out to be about 20 old, of slight build and with pleasant features. He was well groomed and neatly dressed. He started by asking me a few questions about some aspects of Buddhism but I sensed that these were not really what he was interested in. Finally the question came, “Venerable, can a gay person be a good Buddhist?” I gave my usual reply but it soon became clear that this did not please him. He kept interjecting and expressing doubts about what I said. I answered all his objections but he remained unconvinced. Arriving at a deadlock and not knowing what more I could say I asked him if he was gay. He blushed, cleared his throat and said that he was. Then he told me his story. Since his early teens he noticed that he was attracted to other boys and had a particular interest in woman’s clothes. Horrified by these feelings he kept them well under control. A year ago while doing his national service he had met another soldier who was gay and since that time they had been having a relationship, although a guilt-filled and fugitive one. Once or twice a month they would pool their recourses and book a hotel for the night. He would dress in woman’s clothes, put on makeup and they would spend the night together. For Julian at least, this would be followed by days of self-loathing and resolutions never to do it again. After he had finished telling me this he hung his head and said, “This must be wrong.” “Well,” I said, “some people would find it a bit strange. But from a Buddhist perspective I really can’t see that it is particularly harmful. Satisfying sexual urges is a perfectly natural thing to do and it is acceptable where it does not involve adultery or harming others. The conflict you create within yourself by hating what are completely harmless feelings hurts you much more than being gay ever could. There is no reason why you can’t practice the Precepts – respecting the life, the prosperity and the sexual feelings of others, their right to know the truth and keeping your mind free from intoxicants – while being gay.” He was silent but I could see that I had not been able to still his doubts. Julian visited me two more time over the next two month and our conversations were about the Dhamma in general although we also went over the same territory concerning homosexuality with very much the same results.
Then, after not having seen or heard from Julian for nearly six month I got a call from him. He told me that a famous Taiwanese monk was in town giving a series of talks and that he had managed to get a few minuets with him. He had asked the monk the same question he had asked me and the monk had told him that homosexuality was a filthy, evil thing and that homosexuals get reborn in the lowest hell where they are boiled in excrement for eons. Julian said this with in an almost triumphant tone, seemingly glad that he had proved me wrong or that he had found someone who agreed with him. I asked him what else this venerable monk had said. “Nothing,” he replied. “He was going somewhere and only had a few minuets to talk.”
How often has this happened to me? I have told an inquirer something about Buddhism which I know to be sound, sensible and in accordance with the Tipitaka, they go to another monk who tells them the exact opposite and then they come back to me asking me to explain the anomaly. Then I am stuck with the problem of either saying that the other monk doesn’t know what he is talking about (which is often the case) and appearing to be an arrogant upstart, or biting my lip, saying nothing and letting the person go away with yet another half-baked notion or superstition thinking that it is Dhamma. How often? Very often! In most cases this is just frustrating. In this case it had tragic consequences.
“Look Julian” I said, “You asked me what Buddhism would say about homosexuality and I told you based on my 20 years of studying the Buddhist scriptures and thinking about various issues in the light of the Buddha’s Dhamma. I don’t know what else I can say.” I told him that if he wanted to talk with me at any time he was welcome to do so and then we hung up.
Four days later I was browsing through the paper and a small article tucked away on the eighth page caught my eye. The heading read ‘Man’s Body Found in Park.’ I scanned the article briefly and was about to turn to something else when the name Julian sprung out at me. In an instant my attention was riveted. I read the part where this name appeared and sure enough it was about the Julian who had come to see me. I returned to the top of the article and read it all the way through. Four days earlier, perhaps only a few hours after ringing me, Julian had gone to a park in the centre of Singapore late at night, taken an overdose of sleeping tablets and been found dead the next morning. A suicide note had been found in his pocket but the article did mention what it said. I was overwhelmed by sorrow. The thought of him lying there utterly alone, hating himself and in such despair that he would kill himself almost made me cry. But soon anger was welling up through the sadness and diluting it until it had completely replaced the sadness. I pictured the Taiwanese monk blithely dispensing his ignorant and ultimately toxic opinion before rushing off to give a sermon about compassion or receive the accolade of the crowd. I became so angry that I resolved to write him a letter and tell him what he had been responsible for. Then I thought it would probably be a waste of time. He probably wouldn’t even remember talking to Julian.
It seems to me that most thoughtful people would agree that sex without love is a pretty unattractive thing. Physically, it is little more than ‘exchanging fluids’ as the AIDS awareness literature so delicately puts it. What lifts sex above the fluids exchange level is the motives and emotions behind it – affection, tenderness, the desire to give and receive, the bonds of companionship, fun even. This fits well into the Buddha’s famous statement, “I say that intention is kamma.” Is sticking a knife into someone a positive or a negative action? It depends! If the knife was held by an enraged violent person it would probably be negative. If it is held by a surgeon performing an operation to save someone’s life it would certainly be positive. From the Buddhist perspective, sexual behavior is not judged primarily by the gender of the people involved, by the dictates of a code of behavior drawn up in the Bronze Age or by whether a legal document has been signed, but by its psychological components. Homosexuals are as capable of wanting and of feeling love and affection towards their partners as heterosexuals are and where such states are present homosexual sex is as acceptable as heterosexual sex.
This is a simple and logical truth and it is in accordance with Buddhist teachings but circumstances were such that I was unable to help Julian see it. All his experience had told him that being attracted to people of the same gender is wrong. Those around him had always expressed disapproval towards homosexuality and sniggered at gays. The law (in Singapore) told him that homosexuality is so heinous that it must be punished by 10 years imprisonment, more than for manslaughter. He knew that religious teachers, Christian, Muslim and even some Buddhists, consider it so evil that it will have dreadful consequences in the life hereafter. All this denigration and ignorance prevented him from hearing the gentle, reasonable and kindly words of the Buddha. It caused him inestimable suffering and finally drove him to suicide.
I am reminded of Julian because three weeks ago I represented Buddhism in a seminar on religion and homosexuality at Catholic Junior Collage (Boy! Haven’t Catholic collages changed!). Of the 800 students in the audience I assumed that a certain number would probably be homosexual and may be struggling to understand their feelings. Knowing that what I said may well have something to do with them growing up either happy and well-adjusted or tortured and self-loathing, I did took great care to explain the Buddhist position on homosexuality.

遇见 louis armstrong

今天，我遇见了louis,我们其实不认识对方，但，在我心底，一点都不觉得陌生，我们认识了很久...很久.他写出了我心里的感觉,不是快乐,不是悲伤,不是怒意,不是....那是没有文字记载的感觉,这都在他的音乐里. 他的音乐,不止记载了感觉, 还记载了背景,年代，时间,颜色,天气,温度,每一个人事物的轮廓,律动,frequency... 我对他的年代不陌生，他在我的年代也不觉得尴尬，还是那么随性的吹奏着他的喇叭， 一面用它沙哑混浊的声音，唱出了他的年代，唱出了他对生活的热情，唱出了我的感觉. 哈哈, loius， 找天咱们再喝喝咖啡，算我的， 只要你唱歌：）

a wonderful song : stumble - macy grey

Games, changes, and fears
When will they go from here?
When will they stop?
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we're not

I play it off but I�m dreaming of you
And I'll keep my cool, but I�m feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I�m just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I�m dreaming of you
And I�ll keep my cool but I�m feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke (yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possession?
Boy I need your touch
Your love, kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can�t deny
Deny

I play it off but I�m dreaming of you
(But I�m dreaming of you, babe)
And I�ll keep my cool, but I�m feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (oh)
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near (ahh)
Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear (say it Lord)
My world crumbles when you are not near (Lord, the Lord kisses us)

Goodbye and I choke (I�m choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it�s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

心情 - 文字化

外面下着滂沱大雨 世界迷蒙了 地下的水花 跳跃着
我 践踏着草地上的积水 开心地 翩翩地 雀跃 舞动
我溶化了 在雨中 在风中 在草原上 我 已不存在 我 也永远地存在
我升华了 我飞了 自由自在 无拘无束 我 飞
我 是风
我 是雨
我 是阳光
我 是泥
我 是一切的绿
我 是世界

三月十二 雨

我很失望
我很难过
但我不想让他知道,我努力掩饰自己的情绪
因为我不要别人的愧疚补偿,对我来说,伤了…就是伤了…
在我最不能分心的时候,我…分心了
在这段感情里,我会不会只是他的理想伴侣,而不是生活上真正的伴侣?
我会不会只是个买了放着的漂亮花瓶?
有人在的时候我特别漂亮,对我爱不释手
没人在的时候,我……什么都不是
而这个花瓶的故事,没人知道,也没人在乎
今天,花瓶的底部出现了裂痕,可惜没人发现
只怕有一天,它耐不了,碎开了

greys' anatomy S05E13

greys' anatomy is always my favorite series.

after watching this episode, there was a torrent of feeling that swept my heart, just like my greys always do.
being in this profession, to be frank, i yet to know where this profession will lead my life to, not in the sense of carrier path, but my conscience, consciousness, mentality, feeling and satisfaction in life.
what is the responsibility of being a doctor? how broad and further does it encompass? when should i stop? i believe that there will be thousands of answer, or no answer i would say.
i have a kind of feeling like floating on the sea. i dun know where am i going, i dun know who is deciding my direction, the wind? the tide? or i am instinctively swimming towards somewhere i dun even know.
there is a decision that i need to make, working in singapore or malaysia. i thought i had made up my mind long ago. but now seems like the decision was yet to be firm. working as a doctor, what are the things that i want in my life? or how i want my life to be?
after sedimenting my mind, i realize that it is no longer a matter of what i want, but it is what i can do, for the poeple i love, and for the people who need me.
sounds like i am going to be a great one huh? am i?
i really hope that i will not lose myself along the way. If i do, i hope that i could find my way back.

Being a doctor... is a gift.

A lady to remember

i have a story to tell......
today i met a women in a palliative care unit.
she was a 39 year-old lady with a stage 4 breast cancer and severe lung metastasis.
she was very ill, cachetic and breathless and all her four limbs were deformed, may be due to decrease in joint movements, contractures were everywhere.
there was a story behind this lady..
she was a single mother with a 5 years old daughter.
the disease was diagnosed rather late and the prognosis was very poor.
after she knew that she could not live long enough to raise her own daughter, she arranged an adoption for her 5 years old daughter. the adoptive family was foriegners in one of the western country, if i was not mistaken.
today, the family promised to bring her daughter back to see her, because doctor predicted that she may not be able to live till next week.
while prof yip was doing consultation, she insisted to go home. because she said she did not want her daughter to see her in this condition. she was afraid that her daughter was not prepared to see her like this, with tubes and drips all over her body.
but the thing is, her condition was very critical and she needed hospital fascilities to support her life.
prof yip tried to persuade and reason out for her so that she would stay.
there were frustration, helplessness and tears.
this.... would be the last time her daughter see her mummy, she decided to undergo terminal sedation after she meet her daughter today. then she will fall into deep sleep, forever.
this lady, a great mother, may be forgotten, one day when her daughter grows up.
but this lady, will live in my heart, in my story.
and this is the best i can do.

this lady, her name, is... Berlinda

一封短讯

谢谢你听我说话和与我分析。
刚看了你给我的短讯。
其实我觉得你误会了我的意思。这一次不是一个一比一打平的局面，这一次他真的做错了。可能像你所说的那样，我们性格上很像，但这次，我真的把自己做得很好了。我问你我有没有做错什么，是因为我担心在我不知道的情况下我伤害了他，如果是那样，那我可能有原谅他的理由。现在我知道了，所以，我跨步向前的同时，我不会再回头看。
我没有欠他任何东西。这次是他弄疼了我，我选择了离开。绝对不是个一比一的局面。
我跟他是有不一样的地方的，而这些不一样的地方，是我很辛苦，挑战自己的自尊和自大，在你和其他人身上学回来的， 可能改变得不够快不够多，但我跟他，是有很大的差别的。

失去了一个好朋友

今天，我失去了一个好朋友
我很难过...同时，我也感到莫名的轻松, 像放下了一个大包袱一样.
我,没有停留片刻,往前走的我是微笑的.
放弃了的东西, 得到了又失去, 也不会在心上再留下任何伤痕.
珍重,我的好朋友.

考试前45天

今天，决定到他家去住一个晚上，很期待，自己已经不懂有多少天没见到他了，感觉上似乎很久了. 这几天,我很想念他,他在短讯里也让我觉得他很挂着我.
我在约好的半个小时前就到达他家了.
进了房间,接着应该是一个充满感觉的拥抱, 他...并没有.坐在电脑前又在看着他的东西.我走上前去,在背后搂着他,在他耳边轻轻地说话.他...没什么反应, 就只叫我专心读书. 当时我真的觉得很冷,他...很冷. 他比短讯里一个个没有表情的文字还要冰冷. 读书? 如果真的只为了读书,那我又何必去到他家呢? 我躺在床上,脱掉上衣,看着天花板发愣.
很久了,他都没望过来.
我叫了他一声,接下来他看着我的那个眼神,让我忽然觉得一阵心寒. 那双充满厌恶感的眼神,很熟悉,是翰维,对! 是那个让我提出分手的眼神. 我...很难过, 我不想去做任何猜测,我不想去分析他心里想什么,我不想现在这个时候去面对这种事情.
我发了个短讯给我的好朋友,要她拨电给我,随便找了个理由然后匆忙地离开.我不想再面对他.
我最讨厌死缠烂打,如果你不想见我,就直接告诉我,我绝对不会出现在你面前...

我是个有了另一半的人,今年二十五岁, 学生, 喜欢男生.

每个人的故事...

"我要幫你買些食物放在家裡,因為我不要當你一個人的時候肚子餓"

"我說:你知道我脾氣不是很好,而且我很兇
你答:我不要讓你生氣你就不會對我兇"

"Beautiful thing我們彼此所喜愛的歌曲,這首歌最高紀錄在你的車上連續放了四次,那時我們第三次見面"

"你說:what happen to me? Why I like you so much...."

"你說:you dunt believe in long distance relationship but you want to try just beacause of me"

"曾經我們彼此的FB被朋友笑說看了會得糖尿病."

"儘管你沒有贏,但是我還是答應了你一個wish:不管在曼谷發生什麼事情,我一定要讓你知道我心理面在想什麼.因為你不希望我們如同傳說中戀人會在曼谷而分手"

看見你在你的生日派對上緊張著找尋我的身影時,我告訴自己你會是值得我所託付的那個人.
聽見朋友不斷告訴我,你就是我要找的那個一個愛我比我愛他還要多的人時,我告訴自己上天對我是多麼的慈悲.
聽到你擔心曼谷會成為我們最後在一起出遊的地方而所做的承諾時,我相信我們不會成為傳說中的怨偶.
看到你在後車廂放了我兩個多月前心儀許久的包包還精心包裝成我的耶誕禮物時,我告訴自己我是你的.

你是我第一個在一起不到一個月就吼我的戀人
我是你第一個在我負氣離開時願意追回我的戀人

或許,
七個禮拜並沒有長到可以讓兩個不同背景的人彼此認識
但是我相信聰明的你和我早已能看透彼此的想法
也或許是所謂的曼谷魔咒
不管是酒精還是其他讓我們彼此曾經失去理智
但是
快一個月過去了
既然沒有一方願意將對方拉回至自己的懷抱
或許就默許結束這一段至少對我來說曾經充滿許多憧憬的戀情

喜歡一個人,不一定要在一起
重要的是你能夠看他開開心心的度過每一天


"也許我終該停下來,為一個值得愛的人永遠的停下來."
當我的關心變成你的負擔甚至是壓力時
我知道這已訴說了答案
很遺憾沒有陪你完成那13件事情.但是我會把那份感動放在我的內心裡.

很高興認識你,希望你能繼續開開心心的度過每一天

今天是沒有聽到你聲音的第25天.
是不知道你過的好不好的第16天.
也是我決定做出離開你的第一天....



今天,在facebook发现了这篇文章，深深地吸了一口气，我并不感到意外，他们分手了.
读了一遍,心很酸,应该不止是作者有着这样的感觉, 旁观的我们, 也仿佛深深地,重复的,体会到深埋在我们每个人心里的一道伤疤. 这段故事, 这个情节, 似曾相识...

第一章

终于， 我有了我自己的部落各， 我称它为乌托邦，因为在这里我才能真正的，坦荡荡的活着。没有约束，没有歧视，没有批判，没有羞辱。

我是一个同性恋者，一个生活在东方社会的同志。自从我知道自己的性取向之后，生活，就不再简单平凡。除了同志本身，很少人能理解同志的心路历程，我可以这么说。我们的价值观，思考模式，欢察事物的角度， 都与“普通人”不一样。我们是特别的一群，被孤立的一群，被遗弃的一群。

很多人都问，为什么好端端一个人的要选择当同志？
亲爱的朋友们，那不是一个选择的问题, 我们并没有做出选择
其实我们… 没有选择

以前自己总是想知道为什么自己会是同志, 但现在, 真的就像畅新告诉我那样, 都不重要了.
重要的是,眼前的路,该怎么走下去.




i am a gay, i live in an asian society that somehow homosexuallity is prohibited. i, try to be the very true self, although i have paid prices to live this way. non of things in my life is a natural fit for me, but i have found my way in by making it personal.i am who i am, no matter how people see me in the eyes, i am who i am, and i am proud to be myself, i am proud to be one. This is where my story begins,and... welcome to my life ：）